After weeks of thought, the National Rifle Association has come up with a plan for defending our schools from killers with guns. They believe an armed presence - teacher or professional security guard - will make any bad guy or gal think twice about invading a school to cause ballistic mayhem. I congratulate the NRA on repackaging the same old plan on such short notice, but I still have a few questions about the approach of putting more arms and gunmen in our schools.
How will these guards be armed? I would hope with a pair of Glock 9-mm, 17-shot semiautomatic pistols and a fully-automatic AK-47 assault rifle with enough 30-shot clips to maintain a running gun battle for at least fifteen minutes. Oh, and body armor with uniforms to distinguish the good guys from the bad.
Who will pay for the guards, guns body armor and uniforms? The school districts through raised taxes? The local parent-teacher organizations, through family-fun fairs and popcorn sales? Or will the NRA, in an outburst of civic-minded patriotism, supply the needed gunslingers and hardware from its own ranks and banks, gratis?
Let's not forget hidden costs like increased liability insurance, steel-armored walls for each classroom and a well-stocked trauma center for treating gunshot wounds.
As the hallways of our schools swiftly evolve into potential battlegrounds, shouldn't the students themselves become well-versed in firearms lore - just in case they are called upon to defend themselves in a deadly crossfire? Should we start training with Nerf guns for kindergarten and pre-K; Super Soakers for grades two and three; and Daisy BB guns for grades four and five - all under close supervision, of course, so a budding Rambo doesn't shoot his own eye out?
Would middle schoolers be trained to handle bladed weapons, shotguns and .22 rifles? (Middle schoolers, you'll recall, are in grades six, seven and eight.) Will our high schoolers advance to military firearms, grenades and miscellaneous explosives, armored vehicles and assault aircraft? And would students be allowed to check the weapons out of school for homework assignments?
Once it has ended school violence, I have true faith the NRA will continue its assault of arms on our parks, playgrounds and other public venues. Within half a generation, there won't be lawbreaker foolish enough to so much as steal second on an NRA-certified Little League diamond!