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God's Home: Culinary adventures of Still-Young Frankenbride don't help weight loss

9:56 AM, Oct. 3, 2013  |  Comments
Steve Raap
Steve Raap
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Old Guy appreciates regularity. I especially appreciate it in terms of my diet.

Long-time readers already know the discipline - or lack thereof - of Old Guy's attempts to lose weight these past (Yikes!) nine years. You're well aware of the fact that it is nigh on to impossible for me to shed any accumulated extra weight when the person who does the majority of the cooking in our home is Still-Young Bride.

If you could peer into the TV room at odd times most any weekends, you'd find my better half engrossed in the details of the preparation of this or that dish, as presented by an unending string of cooking shows on the Public Broadcasting System. From Christopher Kimball on "America's Test Kitchen" to "Cooking School" as presented by Martha Stewart, Still-Young Bride sits, pen in hand, taking down the ingredients, prep times, oven temperatures and expected results, which always will be delicious, according to the TV personalities doing the tasting. (I've never once heard of a TV personality tasting their finished recipe and not raving over it.)

So you now know why our kitchen is better known as "Still-Young Frankenbride's Testing Laboratory." It's there that she prepares the various dishes that she has found on TV (and in magazines and newspapers and online) for Old Guy to try.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not like the monster in the movie "Young Frankenstein," being experimented on against my will. Rather, I'm an eager test subject who looks forward to the next great concoction to come out of the lab. Lay it on me, Master! I'm ready to eat!

But now that I think of it, maybe I am like that movie monster, when he was onstage sporting a top hat and tails. Only I am shouting, "Put it on the Ritz!" (I love my crackers.)

Which brings me back to the subject of this column - regularity.

Apparently, people spend billions on elixirs to stay regular. Old Guy isn't one of them, for the reasons mentioned above. But I do feel for those who aren't.

Coincidentally, in Rome, on camping property other than those lots that fall within Lake Arrowhead, a recent ruling stated that it is now OK to put up a porta-potty.

And like the Hatfields and McCoys, it's now homeowners vs. campers. If you're a camper who maintains your regularity, a porta-potty is a downright necessity. Yet, homeowners believe, and most likely rightly so, that their property values will diminish with the presence of a porta-potty next door, even if that porta-potty is serviced regularly. It seems that the mere sight of a plasticized commode would cause would-be buyers to get their undies in a bundle. Talk about irregularity!

So, we have a contentious issue in our town. Yet, isn't it kind of funny that, as these things go, such issues do seem to occur in the town of Rome - with regularity?

Old Guy's weight last column: 222 pounds. This week: 224 pounds. Total loss since Feb. 19, 2012: 8 pounds. (Ritzy!)

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